Good morning, day etc
, whatever, hello there reader, what you are about to see is two little slices of Absurd Agonies. It aint been
a proof readed
, it is rough, but hopefully will give ya un
Ideas about how the book will be and what is about, ok?
Bit (1) from – case 14 – Mythological?
“Hello,” I said with a mouth full of Fray Bentos, chicken curry, tinned pie.
“Hiya, alright?” said the old voice.
“Yeah, not to bad. Um… who is this?”
“Sorry, it’s me, the mighty Bruce Forsyth!” he shouted.
I was so excited that he had phoned me. I wished that ‘Simply’ was there to speak to Bruce but he was still having nuts removed from his face.
Bruce explained that he was unable to come over but my family and I were more than welcome to join his wrinkled face, on a fishing trip.
Fast forward to 24 hours later and me and the gang are all on Bruce’s boat enjoying the tropical heat wave that hit theBristol Channel.
Bruce, like most celebrities, had many tales to tell me about his life in showbiz and how he had started off as a pig tamer and shed builder for B&Q, but he also had many tales involving tea, one of which I will tell you a little about.
Sixty seven years ago, when Bruce was in his thirties, he and a few of his friends were up on his roof watching the local carnival and drinking a few beers, when they started to dare each other stupid things. One of Bruce’s mates ended up covered in bees, another had no fingers, two were attached at the forehead to each other, and one of them was killed. One of the friends took out a teabag from his pocket and one of the rambunctious fools decided to snatch the teabag and stuff it into his mouth and began laughing like a drunken pelican.
bit 2 from – Case 4 – Cliff Richards
Not long after our holiday we were eating chips, beans and garlic bread at the dinner table. My son (who was now permanently blind in his right eye and had to have a skin graft from the burns caused by his exposure to sunlight) began complaining that the food was making him feel sick, especially the garlic bread. Yes, the garlic bread! You seen Lost Boys? I haven’t!
Now, my suspicions were aroused further but I needed to be certain about the garlic so I decided to conduct a little test. The very next morning I placed seven cloves of liquidised garlic in the milk and watched my son pour it over his breakfast cereal. He had one spoonful of it, swallowed it and vomited everywhere. I was so scared that without thinking I jumped back from the table and threw a dried Weetabix really hard at his head. The Weetabix struck his left eye and blinded him completely. This enraged him and my wife, who I had not told about our son being a vampire. She was bound to be suspicious though, she was no fool.
The atmosphere in our house was very tense after that incident. My wife told me I was being irrational and that I perhaps had a problem.
I decided to solve this ‘problem’ once and for all by kicking my son’s bedroom door in and slamming a cross so hard on his head that he got a nose bleed (a sure sign he is a vampire). He began screaming right away and whimpering that his head was hurting and that he was scared.
“Not as scared as I am,” I whispered, pushing the cross harder against his head and singing Cliff Richards’ song The Lord’s Prayer.
There, that’s your lot for now ladies and gents. Oh my god you look good today, I could cover you in cream and watch you dance for hours!